Beauty and the Beast (2017) Review

(Me sitting down, looking annoyed)

…Hello, everybody…I’m back…So, guess what I just saw…Yep, I saw the remake of Beauty and the Beast…So, do you think this has the same charashlokalshfiodshfojfushfd-…Sorry, I couldn’t finish that the way I could. I absolutely DESPISE this miserable excuse of a remake! In fact, I’d rather sit through Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas AND Belle’s Magical World on repeat for 24 hours then sit through this again! I HATE it that much!

Okay, let’s try to start light. Are there some good things in the movie? Well, to be fair. There are some good things in the movie.

Now with that out of the way, let’s talk about the BAD, shall we?

Let’s start with…(Sigh)…Emma Watson as Belle. When I first heard of the casting, I was thinking she might do the role okay. But then I heard her sing…and yeah, the auto-tune is absolute CRAP! Not only that, but Watson sounds absolutely bored while singing. Do I even need to compare it to the original? When Paige O’Hara sang in the original, she sang it with PASSION. No matter what she sang about, you immediately buy what she’s feeling. Here, it feels like Watson sang it in one take and that’s it! And honestly, I don’t want to be mean, but Watson’s performance as Belle in a whole isn’t really good. I mean, the one look she has throughout most of the movie is ‘Confused if I should be angry’, and it doesn’t sell! There’s one scene especially when she finds out the objects can move, she goes to a brush and talks to it, expecting it to talk, and I swear, it’s like you can picture someone holding up the script for Watson to read it and that’s it! There’s also this thing where the movie tries to make Belle into a feminist, and make her do so much more ‘cool’ stuff than most men. The movie’s basically saying ‘We’re gonna take this woman and make her cool!’ You know, acknowledging that a WOMAN is gonna be cool, is actually more sexist than anything. Women are already cool, nothing to change.

Now let’s talk about the Beast, played by Dan Stevens. Right when I saw what he looked like in the remake. I immediately knew there was a problem. In the original, the Beast looked and moved like a real animal, not only that, a COMBINATION of animals. The filmmakers worked hard to make sure this didn’t look like a guy with an animal’s head…This is exactly what they did here. They just put a CGI monster head on him and give him two small fangs…Oooh!…But he’s given a song here, and does he sound better than Watson?…(Breaks down and sobs)…Why, reality?…What did I ever do to you?!…I’m not kidding. When I heard the Beast sing, I immediately cringed. It sounds like a robotic dog slowly dying! In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was auto-tuned also! 

Now I know what you’re thinking. What about the chemistry? Surely it has to be good here! Well, a director of a Twilight movie directed this. Yeah…Well, let’s start from when they first meet. Now, in the original, Belle trades her life to save her father, surprising the Beast that she would take his place. Once Belle gives him her word, Maurice is taken back home, and Belle is in his place. But the Beast feels sympathy for her and immediately takes her to a nice room. This scene in the original worked because when the Beast saw that Belle made her word and promised to stay if she liked it or not, while he doesn’t change instantly, there is something about her that caught his attention in a good way…But, pfffft! Who cares about that? Let’s have the Beast lock Belle in the dungeon and have Lumiere and Cogsworth take her to her room instead! Oh, and prepare dinner for her, too! Yeah, doesn’t that make Beast quite the likable character?

But what about rescuing Belle from the wolves! Surely, something must’ve changed there, right? No, but what does? Well, let’s have Belle told about the curse on the castle and that the Beast was a human before! Oh, and the Beast grew up without a mom like her. So, it wasn’t the rescuing from the wolves that made her see a change in him, it was the fact that they have something in common and he was a handsome prince in the past! And just like THAT, she suddenly likes him! Look, in the original, it was BEAST who was trying to win BELLE over! It was the changes he made to his life that won Belle over! But what wins Belle here is that they have something in common?! Just like that?!!!!

...I’m sorry, I really don’t mean to say this, but from the bottom of my heart, I just need to say ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!!!!

...Okay…let’s talk about the other characters! Let’s start with Maurice, played by Kevin Kline. I raised an eye-brow when I heard of this casting. I mean, this is the guy who played characters like Phoebus from The Hunchback Of Notre Dame and Tulio from The Road To El Dorado. Those guys were snarky and wise-cracking, so what makes you think I’m gonna see this guy as ‘Crazy Ol’ Maurice’? And honestly, I wasn’t that surprised when I saw him. He honestly acts too calm and civilized to be thought of as crazy. But what about the inventions he makes? That was a reason people saw him as kooky, right? Well, here, he just makes music boxes. And instead, Belle is the inventor! Yeah, there’s a scene where Belle is shown doing laundry with her own special washing machine and the townspeople make a mess of it. And that scene never plays a part in the story again! What was the point of that?!

Now, what about the castle objects? Lumiere (Played by Ewan McGregor), Cogsworth (Played by Ian McKellan), Mrs. Potts (Played by Emma Thompson), The Wardrobe (Played by Audra MacDonald) and Chip. And for those who haven’t seen it yet, I highly recommend shielding your eyes whenever they’re on screen. Because these things are freaky as heck! These things are more like Pee-Wee’s Playhouse pieces of crap more than anything! The Wardrobe especially is Nightmare Fuel. I have issues with their performances too, honestly. McGregor’s French accent isn’t that good and every time I hear McKellan in this movie, all I hear is Gandalf! And I know it can’t be his fault. I mean, after he did Gandalf, he voiced The Toad in Flushed Away, and it was unrecognizable! I really think it’s a sign of bad direction. And let me say right now, the CGI in this film is some of the worst I’ve ever seen, I mean…worse than the Garfield movies! I know that’s impossible to top, but I stand by what I say, it looks worse than the Garfield movies!

Oh, yes. I almost forgot the elephant in the room. LeFou’s gay moment…it wasn’t the worst. LeFou is shown dancing with another guy at the end of the film. And honestly, it’s not that bad. I have no problem making a character gay, if he’s gay, cool! But I think that was the only thing I remember of that. That’s another thing I can give the movie credit for. They could’ve REALLY screwed this up, but they didn’t. So, you dodged a bullet there, movie.

Now, how is the story told? Well, not the best. There’s some changes made her that just really confuse me.

One change is that the Enchantress gave the Beast another enchanted object, a magic book…a magic book that can teleport you anywhere!…No, don’t pull out glasses, don’t adjust your screen. There is a MAGIC BOOK that can take you ANYWHERE YOU WANT. And where do Belle and Beast go? The place her mom died. Now, again to the film’s credit, there was actually a nice subtle scene where it implied Belle’s mother died tragically. But right at this scene, the movie thinks you’re stupid and needs to explain everything of how Belle’s mother died! Yeah, people dying of the Plague, such CUTE moments of Belle and Beast bonding, wouldn’t you say?

Speaking of dark turns, there’s also this strange subplot where the objects slowly turn more into real inanimate antiques every time a petal falls. So, if the Beast doesn’t fall in love, they DIE. Now, to be fair, as much as I enjoy the Broadway musical, it was guilty of this too, so I’m not going to blame just the film for that. But still, this idea is just too creepy to me, even for a Disney film. And not only that, but the way Beast doesn’t hesitate at all in this version to let Belle go, he’s pretty much KILLING all his servants! I mean, in the original, the household objects weren’t in any real danger, but they only wanted to be human again, and as household objects, things weren’t really painful for them, so the scene still works in the original. Oh, and DEATH wasn’t involved either. But here, the servants are going to DIE and it’s because of him! And that apology he gives is bullcrap. ‘Sorry that you’re all gonna die, oh, well!’ By the way, if you need a way to get to the village, quicker, why not use, Oh, I don’t know. A MAGIC BOOK THAT CAN TAKE YOU ANYWHERE?! Just saying!

The film also tries to expand on the Enchantress…WHY?! For those wondering what I mean, the Enchantress spends most of the movie disguised as an old hag. Now in this film, there’s this weird part where Gaston leaves Maurice to be eaten by the wolves and is saved by the Enchantress. When Maurice tries to say Gaston tries to kill him, he points to the Enchantress as a witness. And Gaston laughs it off, saying no one would believe an old hag! I’m sorry, but I have to agree with Doug and Rob. Why doesn’t the Enchantress turn Gaston into a beast?! Why was she even here?! I mean with…Okay, I’m really sorry. I know it’s getting old every time I’m bringing up the original, it’s a remake, you need to make changes. But…there’s a problem if the changes don’t make any sense! I mean, the Enchantress only showed up when she cursed the Beast and that’s it! We don’t know where she is now, or how beings like her live or do things, it’s mostly left to the viewer’s imagination. But…why have her be in the rest of the movie IF SHE’S NOT GONNA FREAKING DO ANYTHING?!!! WHY?!!! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DODJHKSLFJHFADKGALFHJLDDSJFLHFGJKL-

...So, to wrap it up...(Sighs)…I mean it, guys. It’s bad. Really, REALLY bad. While it’s not the worst film, and there are some good things about it, all the changes that it makes to it, with all the stuff to add in that the movie thinks is ‘cool’ does nothing but give a giant middle finger to what the original stands for! Maybe if they got someone like Steven Spielberg to work on it, someone who has history in both live-action and animation to be in charge of it! But this is just nothing more than a complete waste of time! Just stick with the original. Don’t pay ANY attention to this miserable waste of thought!

…Where’s the Tylenol?